To have more sex Practice using ARC Statements and Establish a rhythm of intimacy

 

Avoidance and anticipatory anxiety with sex can occur when there is not a recurring rhythm for sexual intimacy, which can also lead to difficulties communicating when a change is needed. 

Rituals or routines for frequency, initiation/declining sex, and participating in non-demand, non-sexual touch throughout the week can reduce the anticipatory anxiety that hinders communication and intimacy. 

Some examples of a ritual or routine include a fridge magnet that can be turned upside down when interested in sex or lighting a “sex candle,” which allows your partner to gently accept or decline. 

Sex doesn’t necessarily need to be “scheduled,” i.e. every Tuesday and Saturday at 7 pm, but can occur on a routine where intimacy is anticipated and welcomed.

In case of there being issues, you then need to use ARC Statements -  i.e Acknowledge  Report Collaborate

ARC Statements can be an incredibly important tool for effective communication. They allow the speaker to accept responsibility for their own emotions, promote collaboration, and reduce feelings of blame by mitigating criticizing statements. 

A structure for communication can be helpful when we are practicing more effective communication skills. The emotions underneath statements such as “You never initiate sex with me” or “You only want to cuddle and kiss when you want to have sex” have some validity but the blaming statements are damaging and not productive. 

They usually result in defensiveness and counterattacks which leaves everyone feeling invalidated and misunderstood. 

The structure of an ARC Statement is to Acknowledge your role in the concern, Report on the issue, and Collaborate on a solution. 

For example, “I recognize I waited a long time to bring this up. I felt rejected when I tried to initiate sex with you last weekend. Let’s think of a way for us to be able to initiate or decline sex so we can communicate better.” 

Another example could be, “I realize I have been withdrawn for the last few weeks. I have been feeling disconnected because of our work schedules. What do you think of scheduling a weekly date night so we can reconnect?” 

And of course some of the solutions might be as simple as broadening what you call sex so that it's less focused on penetration or the traditional PIV