My boyfriend loses interest in sex after he orgasms

This is frustrating. Not your situation, mine. Because now I have to write the phrase that will destroy the thesis of many people online who desperately want to believe that I am - to use their whimsical turn of phrase - “an irrational man-hating feminazi.” And I truly hate to disappoint. But I must. So here we go:

This isn’t men’s fault.

Like many people who have sex with men, you have discovered the odd little quirk in men’s physicality which can cause them to physically power-down after sex, leaving many a disgruntled partner fuming beside a man now happily snoring in post-orgasmic bliss - or as in your case, a man now happily awake but sexually disinterested in post-orgasmic bliss.

Following orgasm, men experience a refractory period, which is the recovery phase during which it is physically impossible for a man to have additional orgasms. During this time, the penis may be sensitive and further sexual stimulation may actually be painful, which is why men shouldn’t keep trying to have penetrative sex after orgasm, as they could cause themselves injury. (Having sex post-ejaculation is also dangerous if condoms are your primary or sole form of contraception, as they could leak or break.)

It’s thus wise for a man to not have any sexual stimulation immediately after orgasm, and luckily for them, there are a multitude of chemicals helping to make it easier for him to power-down and roll away from you, no matter how irresistible you were mere moments before.

Research shows that during ejaculation, men release a cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide, and the hormone prolactin. Prolactin represses dopamine, a key chemical in desire and motivation, and is linked both with sleepiness and feelings of sexual satisfaction. It’s thus a de-arouser of sorts, and temporarily decreases men’s desire for sex. Studies have shown that men deficient in prolactin have faster recovery times.

Interestingly, studies have also shown that orgasms enjoyed through partnered sex release four times more prolactin than orgasms from masturbation, which means that men are less likely to feel sleepy and calm after masturbating.

Oxytocin and vasopressin, two other chemicals released during orgasm, are also associated with sleep. Oxytocin, which is commonly known as “the bonding chemical” or “love hormone” as women experience it both after sex and during maternal activities such as childbirth and breast-feeding, can also cause relaxation in men, again contributing to the contentedly unaroused state after ejaculation.

Now, that’s the chemical side, let’s talk about communication. Listen and understand when he tells you what his physical and emotional limits are around sex, and why you you shouldn't be tying up your pleasure in his orgasm.

This could mean ensuring you orgasm through other activities, and suggesting that you orgasm before he does, this will show that he respects and cares about your needs and pleasure. 

Don't impose a somewhat arbitrary order of events onto your sex life, where you feel like he should orgasm before you do - or that if you want an orgasm after he ejaculates, he has to give it to you.

Because of the cultural prioritizing of male pleasure over women’s pleasure, many women feel pressure to bring their male partners to orgasm, and won’t relax or focus on their own pleasure before fulfilling this “duty.” This is gendered nonsense. But you should also know that masturbation can be a wonderful part of sex, and that if your boyfriend needs a rest after ejaculating and you are close to orgasm or want another one, masturbating beside him can be a wonderful and fun part of your sex life.

You have a man with natural physical limits. 

The idea is to take advantage before his natural limits kick in and  in guide number 5 from the Reads For WOMEN guides, I talk about Simmering Sexual Tension to Make Him Crave You More in Bed